An Odd Confession…

Well sort of. Maybe it really isn’t odd. Or maybe it’s not even a big enough deal to call a ‘confession’. But it’s something that’s been weighing on my mind the past few weeks and it hasn’t been until the last few days that I’ve been openly sharing the news with others outside our immediate family. A few weeks ago,after much talk and debate, Jack and I enrolled Hudson into full time childcare.

Big confession huh?! :)

I took a peek at the calendar today to see how long it’s been (because I feel like we all are still adjusting to the new routine) and it’s almost been four weeks all ready. Four weeks?! Where did the time go?

The change has been a big one for me. Bigger than I ever thought it would be. I felt things I wasn’t really expecting. The biggest whammy of them all was an overwhelming sense of guilt. As much as I was the one initiating the move and its biggest fan, I felt like a total failure that I couldn’t be the super, do-all mom I thought I could be. I’m not sure why I’ve felt so guilty, not bringing in a paycheck and working full time was never an option for us (and we knew that from the moment we found out I was pregnant). But for some reason, in my head crazy head I thought I could make it work, and I could juggle the load. Ummm…turns out if I wanted to keep my head (and my marriage) not so much.

Jack and I had talked about my increasing work load for months, trying to come up with ways to ease the everyday ‘stuff’ and make life a little more manageable. We hired a housekeeper thinking that might do the trick, we talked about a nanny coming in twenty hours a week, I talked about hiring a part time assistant. But the more my businesses has grown, and the more mobile the lil’ buckaroo has become it was just becoming too much to try and juggle and we needed more than just a little help ‘here and there’. So on December 8^th lil’ buckaroo started his first day of ‘school’ at Junior Junction (just down the hill from the house). It is an absolutely WONDERFUL facility, and I have nothing but praise to say about his teachers and the care he is receiving during the day. We receive daily reports and it sounds like he too is starting to get in the groove of things and is being his normal happy silly self. He’s trying new foods, socializing the other little ones in his class and making new discoveries on his own. All and all I know it’s a good thing. Mentally and physically I know couldn’t keep going at the same pace I was, but it’s been hard. Harder than I ever would have imagined.

But with the holidays behind us and the New Year underway, my work starting to resume its steady (crazy) pace, I’m welcoming the new help, and trying to look at it as a badge of success rather than a failure.

So with my ‘confession’ will now come fun daily updates of what Hudson has been up to while spending time with his new friends. And so far the stories we’ve heard (and the things we’ve peeked in and seen) have been pretty gosh darn cute.

Whew, I did it. Feels kind of good to be out in the open.... :)